Hi honey… How’s your day going? Do you have me in your mind? Are you constantly reminded of how much I love you? …in every thought, in every smile, in every way? My spirit is with you now. Feel how it heals your heart and uplifts you. Feel how my love fortifies your soul. Feel it embrace you with overwhelming tenderness and it says I love you so very much… Hope your day is a wondrous one. Keep me in your mind hon… and call my name from time to time. You’ll hear my voice whispering you the words of love you always long to hear. Honey, believe me, I never wanted to have someone that I’d fear losing one day…and that’s one thing that scares me more than anything. My love for you is stronger than I’ve ever known and if I were to ever lose you that is my biggest fear of all. I’ll never change pwamis… (pauli-ulit ko itong sasabihin…and I’ll never get tired saying this over and over again). You should know that by now. If you are prepared to go the remainder of this lifetime with my ways, then you surely know the real me. I’ve not hid a thing with you…I am all I am when I’m with you. It will not be long and I’ll be by your side, hon. Gone will be the torments, gone will be your pain. I will hold you so preciously, keep you well and unharmed. There will be no regrets but only relief that destiny at last is fulfilled. See you in my next blog… but oh, wait… please know that with or without blog, I constantly yearn for you.
Archive for January, 2008
illusions of Love…
When I was in Australia, I lived in Oaks Maestri Towers at the heart of Sydney where there are many children. The only place they have to play was either at the pool, children’s level or in the nearby park. One day a sunny little voice behind me said, "Hello Miss, how are you today?"
I turned around and saw a little mass of freckles seven or eight years of age. She came wobbling up the side walk of the park on her brother’s bicycle. She was wearing a swimsuit and licking a Popsicle. Her eyes were as blue as Male Beach in Maldives. She swung one leg down to stop her bike and I said, "Oh, hi, Punky… very well thank you… How about you sweetie? I haven’t seen you around for several days."
"I have been on a trip."
"Where did you go?"
"I went to Melbourne to see my mother for two weeks. See, she moved away, and I don’t live with her anymore."
I winced, wondering how a mother could leave such a sunny little girl. I don’t know, of course, how that mother’s life has been disarranged, and perhaps her circumstances are beyond her control. But doesn’t she realize how bitter her daughter is going to be?
Then I had to stop myself as I watched Punky wobbling away, happily licking her Popsicle, for I realized: She’s not bitter. She’s been dealt a blow that she didn’t ask for and didn’t deserve, but she’s not passing on the blow. She’s passing on happiness and sunlight. She stopped to say "hello," and to tell me about her trip. And if she can continue to go through life without holding grudges, passing on a smile in return for a blow, she’ll become a beautiful and charming woman.
We can’t be free and happy if we harbor grudges. Just as bitterness produces more bitterness in others, so thus love begets love. Thank God for those dynamic creative people who, when wronged, refused to compound the amount of hate in the world. Instead of returning the blow, they opt to forgive.
My Chimera…
My Chimera…
I’ve loved you from the beginning of time and will love you till the end of eternity. I love you with all my heart and with all my soul. Life without you is death with me. I know the fears and the insecurities that are befalling you now, but please be assured that these are only illusions of this world. Our love is the greatest truth and we have no recourse but to pursue this. You have your strength from my love and it’s your love that gives me the strength to survive and go on.
Honey, I gave you the kisses I sent along for your needs. I can’t tell you how badly I’m missing you as of now. The reality of your distance seems to hit worse day after day and I finally get the true sense of the loneliness that fills my heart…I’ve spent the entire day holding you in my mind… and holding you in my arms…Oh, God I miss you…I know deep down in my heart and soul I couldn’t survive without you, my existence seems meaningless without you…
You’ve captured my heart, my soul and my being. I want not to take from you, but to give you all I have. I believe in you …Together we can’t fail! We’ll win in the end because I love you. I could never stop loving you. I know deep down in my heart there can only be one true love in my life… my one life. Know what? It’s not natural for us to be apart. We belong together… always… and forever…
Ahh… nakakapagod na mag isip… Nakaka buwang…
Anyways… Hon, you are all I’ve ever wanted…and all I ever want the rest of my life. I’ll do whatever you ask to make you feel secure about us. I love you…I’ve loved you from the first moment we’ve known each other and I’ll always love you for the rest of my life. You know you have my unconditional love. Yours Forever and Then..
Just as I am
When I am sad, I can write (fair enough)
When I am mad, I can write
For my whole temperament is quickened, my understanding sharpened
And all mundane vexations and temptations depart.
When I am inspired, I can write (of course, we all do)
When I am in love, I can write so well…
For all my thoughts and feelings just come out naturally
But it is hard to be in love to a person who is just a figment of my imagination.
Ahhh…Love!!!
When your heart is overflowing with love, there aren’t enough ways to show your sincerity and depth.
Hon, I have only one life and I offer it to you. If I have a thousand lives, they will all be yours. My heart is filled with the joy you’ve given me. It also is bursting with the pain being away from you. I’m dying so much inside without you here. I will never give up; I promise this…as if my life depends upon this promise. There are no obstacles worth not fighting just to be with you. We will be one this lifetime it’s because it’s right…and we know it.We will fight any obstacle to be together…Yes, and I want to face my Maker with the news that I have met you and have finally become one with you.
Our love is so strong; there’ll be nothing in the way between us. Spirits and angels will always show us the way. Just as they made you come to me. I know deep down in my heart I’ll always love you…always…
till we part this earth and till we meet again in another life, it’s meant to be. I promise you I’ll give you a life filled with joy and love so that when we part from this physical earth, we’ll be looking back feeling contented that together, our earth has been a heaven…..
Do you know how much I’m missing you?
You always bring smiles to my face every morning when I wake up, I wonder how much you’re loving me today… will you still be there for me? Are you still planning on spending the rest of your life with me? Then, I feel your touch and you put my mind at ease. I want you forever not just a short journey. And I do love you…there’s no doubt in this. I feel your love each and every day. You don’t know how you keep my faith alive. It’s more than just our thinking. It’s more than just us texting each other. It’s more than all of these. It’s something I’ve wanted all my life.
Hon, don’t let this distance get you down and just remember you’re in my heart and mind. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, and you don’t need to weep for you know I’m here waiting for you…Please just keep up your faith in me and know that all my days and nights are filled with you in my mind. You’re the driving force in my days and nights. I was thinking all day of your words to me and wishing so much that I could just come take you away now and not have to worry about these times we’re not together… I wish you could enter in my mind and take over my thoughts so you could know how much I love you dearly and that all my future goals are motivated by you and you alone. If you could be in there you’d come out feeling so secure that you’d never doubt my love for you…
One sweet dream…
I woke up this morning with another dream again. We were on a boat in the middle of nowhere in the midst of a storm…If we tried to go against the current and if we moved vigorously in the boat, we would sink. But then, we just stayed calm, received the torments of the bad weather, and rode with the waves…And then bingo, we found ourselves on the shore. Together in bliss…I believe in you and I believe in our love. It would be so strong that we will win over harsh storms and devastating winds. I hope I’m not living in a dream. If I am, then I would like to wake up with you by my side. That’s all I want for my life and nothing more. If not you, then there’ll be nobody. If not now, then it will never be. If not in this lifetime, then I’ll never be born again, for it will take a lifetime to find you… I dream of you at night as I always do because your face is etched into my mind and it never leaves. You are a piece of artwork in my memory. Not a night has passed that I don’t have you in my dreams. And not a moment has passed that you are not in my thoughts. Your love is worth the wait. I can’t imagine being with anyone else but you. It is what I want more than anything…so I can wait…I couldn’t ever imagine being like this with anyone else…don’t ever change the way you are now and foremost, don’t ever give up… You are in my mind all day and all night. How could I be with anyone else but you? I could give up my life for you…But I would never give up my love for you. Tonight, I am afraid to go to sleep because I would not want to wake up and then think it’s all but a dream…I’ve wanted this for so long…to be with you…I’ve dreamed about us together since the very beginning I have seen you. Let’s find a cloud tonight and meet there…and hold each other so tight as to never let go. I promise I’ll never let you go…You’re mine from now till forever… Goodnight then…And find me among the clouds…
Five years ago… (Yes twas 5 long years ago) my XBF ripped into something fierce. He thought I was committing a major blunder, acting stupidity, and letting him and his family down. I sat in the car and took it, but was dreadfully mad. He was completely off base, he didn’t appreciate why I had made the decision, and he was a poor BF (then) to be so critical.
I went home mad and the next day was still mad. I cancelled our regular lunch because I was so mad. Sunday XBF called to see how I was. I was icy in my replies, clipped in my response. I was still smarting from my wounds.
XBF knew he had angered me, yet he felt he had no accession to apologize. What he did on the telephone that day, in person the next evening, and consistently for a number of days thereafter until I was through pouting, was to express his affection for me. He had been genuinely indignant at what I had done, he had told me so clearly and was glad he had, yet XBF knew that it had hurt me, and he understood my being miffed. It did not take many days of his affectionate displays for me to forget the whole thing.
I learned an important lesson from my XBF then. He was this: you can get away with many expressions of anger if you balance them with lots of expressions of love.
Talk is cheap…
Talk is cheap, they say, but it is an essential ingredient in best relationships. I would like to share with you a story of a woman twice of my age or more, I call her red head (she is, literally), and I bet my sister could fairly recognize her. Two days back, she sat in my office with a sincere intention to confide. She had been married many years and had recently begun an affair with a single black man. I assumed that most of the energy in their clandestine meetings was sexual. “No” she said. “To tell you the truth, AJ (as they all call me for Alpha Juliet, which is my call sign), I’ve only slept with him two or three times, and it wasn’t all that great then. The reason why I’m so in love with him and want to be with him so badly is that we can talk. We discuss things for hours on end. Gosh! It’s great to talk to a man like that-to tell him everything that’s in your heart, and have him do the same with you. Why don’t my husband and I ever communicate like that?”
Well, there are probably a lot of reasons why she and her husband don’t communicate like that, one of which, to my personal stand point maybe that her husband does not recognize how important talk is. Maybe…
Of course, chatter does not necessarily lead to closeness. There are many kinds of talk, and mere flow of words between two people does not guarantee intimacy. Nevertheless, there can be no intimacy without conversation. To know and love a friend over the years, one must have regular talks. This may seem perfectly obvious, but I see so many close relationships break down because people quit talking.
You see, am the youngest in this organization, a Pilipino. Most of them, black or white, American, African, Britz or Asian alike trust me with their secrets. Little by little I am handed morsels of information personal, work or otherwise with which I could do them harm. Then they wait to see how I handle the TRUST. The cardinal rule of which I carry is, learn to zipper thy mouth.
Indeed, most of the people I worked with are highly professionals and well educated that they are very chary of advice. So, when they bring me their problems, at times, they may appear to want my opinion. They may even say they need my advice, they want to hear my personal point of view and so on… but most often than not, they will thank me for simply listening. Because I help them get the problem outside of themselves and on the table between us, their issues become clear and they are able to arrive with their own decision.
Can you imagine this? I was fast asleep in that deep delicious sleep in pre-dawn… In my dream, my bedroom door is knocked down and in the middle of my room stands an armed soldier, gun cocked ready to aim at me. Terrified I woke up heavily sweat amidst cold winter night, and… hmmnnn-huh! breathe a sign of relief that it’s not real, I roll over and fall asleep.
A nighmare for me but this scenario is a reality for the Bashir family who regularly host "uninvited" guest in their home on the Gaza strip. They, like many other families living in conflict areas have to live under very difficult circumstances which probably not of their making and which they are unable to resolve.
Sure there are always two sides to every conflict. However some actions cannot be justified no matter how strongly either side feels about the root reason for the alteration. I for one feel that there’s no justification to take the life of another human being especially since that right should be solely reserved for the creator. We all have the potential to be really good and on the flip side to be truly evil. The wars in Africa, Afghanistan, Iraq, Eastern Europe and Haiti among other conflict hotspots are a living testament of our inability to resolve our differences and celebrate what we have in common, no matter how little we may think it is. So, why can’t we all just get along? Why does history have to repeat itself? Why have we not learnt from the past and why do only few world leaders have the ability to just get it?
Then I wondered if I got it? suddenly it occurred to me that every misunderstanding I have ever had could have been avoided before escalating into a full conflict. As children we are taught a rhyme to build our self-esteem which goes: "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never hurt me…" oh, well… it works on the play ground but in most cases words are the root cause for us to pick up the stones…
So next time that you open your mouth to say unkind words, think how much braver you would be if you could just hold back and say… rather something good to avoid conflict. A kind word goes a long way to making life better on earth and if everyone does their bit then as in John Lennon’s song we may be able to really give PEACE a chance. Whether it is at home, the office or to a complete stranger who bumps you as you enter the lift. It really does begin with you and me.
